If you check the standings today, you'll notice a familiar name at the top. At 2-0 with the highest point total of any undefeated owner, three-time defending champion Dan T. is in first place. That means the rest of us are not doing our job. Our one goal this year should be to stop Dan at all costs, even if we have to fight dirty. Thusfar, it hasn't worked. Tom, where's the "Ooga Booga" spell for a hit to Tom Brady's knee?
The latest to drop the ball in this 11-man endeavor was Paul, who's moronic decisions to start Eli over Ryan Fitzpatrick and to start Julio Jones rather than risk the chance Hakeem Nicks wouldn't play Monday cost him a chance to lose by only 25 instead of the 35 he ended up losing by. Either way, Tom Brady and Fred Jackson helped Dan kick Paul's ass for what is probably the fourth or fifth time running.
About the only thing Dan didn't do this week was win the $20 prize. And this week, there were a lot of high scores. This was perhaps the highest scoring week in league history, with an average score of 129 points and only one owner not breaking 100 (what happened Jer?). The highest score of all was Marc, who beat Uncle Joe in an excellent matchup. Marc got a complete team effort (from everyone except maybe DeAngelo Williams) but Darren McFadden, Tony Gonzalez, and Jeremy Maclin did the most damage. Joe put up 145 points of his own thanks to Matthew Stafford and Peyton Hillis, but some days the fantasy gods just don't like old guys.
In other action, Chris erupted for 152 points in a blowout of Jeremie. Miles Austin, LeSean McCoy, and Big Ben brought the heat. The bad news is that Austin will now be out several weeks, but potential fill-in AJ Green also scored well for Chris. Jeremie has good games from Michael Turner, Calvin Johnson, and Mark Sanchez, but too many other guys didn't show up for him this Sunday.
Let's talk about sex. No? Okay, then let's talk about Dan L. Dan is the only other owner at 2-0 (look at that, both the Dan's are 2-0). This was a good week for Dan, with Matt Schaub, Rob Gronkowski, and Steve Johnson scoring him big points. The extremely bad news is that Dan becomes the first person to lose a key player for the season after #5 overall pick Jamaal Charles tore his ACL playing footsies with the Detroit Lions' mascot. But at least he got 2.7 points out of him before he bid the season farewell. Not coincidentally his opponent, Kevin, lives in Detroit, and for all we know it was Kevin in that mascot uniform. Kevin, for what it's worth, did have a good week and got solid production and Aaron Rogers and even got a LaGarette Blount sighting.
Tom emerged victorious after a disappointing Week 1 that saw him put up the second highest total in the league only to lose. And for his effort, Tom is our current points leader. Drew Brees and the year's big surprise to date, Kenny Britt, did the damage agains Mike, who got good performances from Jahvid Best and that Philip Rivers guy.
And finally, there's Eddie and Nick. Eddie won by 13 thanks in large part to Matt Ryan and a long TD catch by Larry Fitzgerald. Nick got screwed by Brandon Lloyd's injury and Plaxico Burress not having a catch. But hey, that's fantasy football for you.
For the coming weeks, remember this joke: Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Who cares, just F*@$%N' BEAT DAN TODD!!
THIS WEEK'S $20 WINNER:
Marc, 165.11 points
HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER:
Tom Brady (Dan T.), 35.22 points
TOYOTA "ASS RAPING OF THE WEEK":
Chris beats Jeremie by 61.57 points
SCORES:
Marc- 165.11, Uncle Joe- 142.76
Eddie- 121.7, Nick- 108
Dan T.- 150.89, Paul- 116
Chris- 152.05, Jeremie- 90.48
Tom- 135.2, Mike- 120.32
Dan L.- 133.8, Kevin- 108.92
STANDINGS (Records):
1. Dan T. (2-0)
2. Dan L. (2-0)
3. Tom (1-1)
4. Marc (1-1)
5. Uncle Joe (1-1)
6. Nick (1-1)
7. Chris (1-1)
8. Paul (1-1)
9. Mike (1-1)
10. Eddie (1-1)
11. Kevin (0-2)
12. Jeremie (0-2)
STANDINGS (Points):
1. Tom (273.36)
2. Dan T. (266.3)
3. Marc (261.29)
4. Uncle Joe (259.62)
5. Nick (259.38)
6. Dan L. (257.67)
7. Chris (257.45)
8. Paul (247.22)
9. Mike (240.32)
10. Kevin (210.20)
11. Eddie (207.46)
12. Jeremie (201.18)
THIS WEEK'S MATCHUPS:
Mike (dcwarpath) vs. Eddie (Full Hairy Jacket)
Dan L. (Hebrew Hammer) vs. Tom (SD Spankfest)
Jeremie (Deez Nutz) vs. Marc (Octomom's Pussy)
Uncle Joe (Mongrels) vs. Paul (Strictly Business)
Chris (Wyld Stallyns) vs. Kevin (Motor City Madman)
Dan T. (Inferno) vs. Nick (Purple People Eaters)
MATCHUP-OF-THE-WEEK:
Dan T. v. Nick. Nick, don't effing lose.
LEAGUE NEWS & NOTES:
-Significant injuries keep piling up. Big names like Miles Austin, Arian Foster (again), Aaron Hernandez, Mario Manningham, aand the aforementioned Jamaal Charles all suffered potentially long-term injuries. Again, please be sure to stay on top of the injury situation for your players. Let's hope Tom Brady joins the list soon.
THE “POOP LIST”:
No one makes the "poop list" this week. Nick gets a pass for Brandon Lloyd because he was a gametime decision and he had no one left he could replace him with by the time he was declared inactive, nor anyone truly worthy of replacing him with (Dexter McCluster?) prior to the day's action.